Voter's Guide

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Not that you're paying any attention to the presidential election anyway (hello, it's snowing in the Rockies right now), but in case you do plan on voting, we've scrapped together this guide to where the candidates stand on issues dear to skiers' hearts.

RALPH NADER
Ski Experience: Reportedly chuckled at several "Vail fire" jokes.
Stance on Ski Safety: Has proposed mandatory seat belts for chairlifts.
Stance on Cost of Skiing: Would impose a lift-ticket tax to help fund federal lawsuits against resort developers.
Stance on Global Warming: Weeping openly.
Deer Valley Outfit, If Elected: 14-year-old L.L. Bean windbreaker, Lee jeans, glacier glasses.

AL GORE
Ski Experience: Said to have a "curious affinity" for wood-core skis.
Stance on Ski Safety: Favors taxpayer-subsidized SKI FAST, LOSE PASS billboard program.
Stance on Cost of Skiing: Favors taxpayer-subsidized "snow stamps" for single-parent families.
Stance on Global Warming: Favors taxpayer-subsidized "snow-making in the sunbelt" temperature-reduction plan.
Deer Valley Outfit, If Elected: Black-and-gold Descente one-piece, white tiger-stripe headband.

GEORGE W. BUSH
Ski Experience: "Oneski, twoski, threeski"¿thinks he can speak Russian.
Stance on Ski Safety: Thinks safety is for wussies.
Stance on Cost of Skiing: Isn't going to worry about it until Aspen-bound oil execs start bitching.
Stance on Global Warming: Said to be wearing more sunscreen on golf course.
Deer Valley Outfit, If Elected: Members Only jacket, chinos, leather bomber cap, no gloves.

PAT BUCHANAN
Ski Experience: Once pulled a daffy off the top step of the Lincoln Memorial.
Stance on Ski Safety: Would create a paramilitary ski überpatrol to enforce Skier's Responsibility Code.
Stance on Cost of Skiing: Would find, deport all illegal aliens, significantly reducing ski-area overhead.
Stance on Global Warming: Looks forward to glacier melt and financial ruin of "pesky Alpine nations."
Deer Valley Outfit, If Elected: Yellow in-the-boot tights, Donald Duck costume, jester hat (with sleigh bells).